Mornings fucking suck right now. I know it gets easier, but right now, I really hate mornings. Waking up and he's not there, not curled up against my arm with his head in my hand or a warm lump against my shoulder blades. l hate this. It fucking sucks.
Thanks for the hugs, the good thoughts, well wishes, prayers, what have you. They made a hard decision a little more bearable. Well, as much as it can be made when the choice is not something you or your pet really want but have to do anyway.
Aries was a fighter, right up to the end. He was still fighting, fighting to breath even when I was telling him it was ok, to let go and go be with Max
. I still have the last claws marks and scratches from his fighting to breath on my arms because I refused to let him go through this alone. He tried so hard to stay with us, but he was in so much pain, so much distress that, really, there was no other choice to make but to let him go. I really believe, that like with Dante, when the sedative was injected, he was gone almost immediately. That the pink stuff likely wasn't even needed in the end, even if it was a necessary precaution.
The vet said there was a possibility that he'd had a stroke and there was evidence of hemorrhaging in his eyes, that he likely was blind right then. That he had an enlarged heart and it was causing his breathing issues. She tried to explain about blood clot busters for pets and I just cut her off. I didn't need to know about the things that likely would not save him.
I asked if he was in pain. She said yes and he's in a lot of distress.
I asked what the chances were of him getting better. She said very slim and the chances of this happening again were very high.
I said then we have to let him go. It's not fair to him to make him suffer any more than he already had. Mark, while saying nothing, agreed with his silence. That man is so much stronger than me, and I thank him for that.
He was supposed to be Mark's cat.
In many ways, he actually was both of ours. But he was still very much a daddy's boy, even if he did sleep with me. It was always Mark he went to and whose lap he wanted in when he got home.
He was very much a lover as well as a fighter, and it took so very long to get to that point. The day he showed up in our yard, he was a skin and bones kitten who'd obviously been abused. But there he was, purring madly, wanting attention. We took him with us when we evacuated for the hurricane (Hurricane Bertha), with the thought to take him to the shelter when we got back, as we had 4 cats already. 3 days later, after the hurricane, he was a member of the family, close to Max and there was no second thoughts about taking him to the shelter. Our other cats, besides Max, were older, and Max and Aries were roughly the same age, both young kittens. They were inseparable right from the start.
They became crotchety old men together. Still fought like brothers, but always made up almost immediately after. When Max left us in Jan 2013, Aries became even more clingy, more lovable. He and Morrigan, while on good terms, never became as close as he and Max had been. And Caena, he coexisted with and but willingly interacted with unless he had to, the it was with a very much, why me, attitude.
He loved being outside with me. Whenever I went out to work in the garden, or even to fill the bird feeders or get the mail, he was right there, wanting to accompany me. I called him my gardening supervisor. I like to think he approved of the majority of what I did out there, especially since he had plenty of hiding places to relax in and watch the world go by.
He was also a catnip fiend. He loved him some fresh catnip. In fact, he was the main reason I grew that catnip this year. When I cut it back to dry, he literally laid upon the pile of catnip and tried to smother himself in it. It was hilarious and I'm glad I got photos of it. Last Friday, before we left for the cabin, I told him I loved him and gave him some fresh catnip. The last I saw of him, as a healthy cat, he was chowing down happily.
Last week, he wasn't quite sure what to make of the baby opossums that peered at him through the porch window. I think he thought they were strange looking cats, but he didn't hiss or snarl. He just sniffed at them and watched them closely. I like to think he had a fun bit of excitement that last week. That he had lots of loving and great memories to carry with him when he left. Lots of stories to tell Dante and Max when he got there.
I love you, buddy boy. And I miss you so very much. Make sure to pass on my love to your brother and sister and wait for us, we'll be along someday, as will Caena and Morrigan and we'll all have fun together again with lots of scritches, loving, head sniffing and playing. And catnip, so much catnip, for all of you.