6:41 AM
Had a regular come in tonight. Visibly agitated, somewhat drunk. She asked me, ' what makes me a bad person that makes other people want to treat me like shit? What have I done to deserve to be treated like this?'
I must admit, I was abit taken aback with the forcefulness of her demeanor, as she was quite upset about something and it fairly radiated off of her.
We got to talking and it seems someone she thought was a friend had been saying and doing things about/toward her that were less than nice. Had something to do with this guy she was supposed tohave been marrying. She was wondering what she had done that was so bad to deserve being treated like this. She didn't feel it was karma, but it upset her bad enough that she had to talk about it with someone, anyone and something about me made her comfortable enough to rant to me.
I was listening to Queensryche and she recognised it right off, saying I knew there was something I liked about you. She then asked if I was Wiccan or a witch. I said no, but my husband is. I follow the Druid path. She found this quite interesting.
She went on to ask if there was something about her aura that made people treat her like shit. I said some people aren't happy unless someone around them is miserable. That makes them happy, especially if they are the cause of it. She said that's not fair. She was like, 'I'm trying to be a good person, did I do something in my past to cause this? Am I paying for it now, why?' I said something to the effect of we tend to do things in a past life that we pay for now. 'But we never remember doing them, so why are we paying now?' she asked. I said 'they' like fucking with us at times and sometimes there's a lesson to be learned. She said 'They? As in he, it, god..' I said whatever or whoever you personally believe in. She told me that two different people at her work have mentioned god to her and asked if they needed to pray for her. I gathered that she didn't quite know how to respond to that, so I said to tell them to go for it, it couldn't hurt any.
We went on to discuss forgiveness and whether we truly ever forgive. Human nature is such that actions tend to speak louder than any words we could ever say or think of saying. We are so inurred againest seeing beyond actions that we often fail to see the true meaning of things. We say we forgive,our brain tells us we forgive, but in out hearts, do we really?
We never forget things that hurt us, and we may sa we forgive, but unless we really can be that pure of heart, can we really honestly say we forgive? I know I can't. I know I can say I've forgiven that woman for abandoning us, but since I can't forget it, and it still hurts and even angers me when I hear she's harrassing my brother, trying to find out where I am, I know I haven't really forgiven her, nor am I ever likely to.
Karma is a tricky thing. We never know whether anything we actually do, such as giving away my spare bottle of contect lens cleaner/rinse I kept in the truck(seriously just did thatlast night to another regular, lol), will truly make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Does the fact that I had it, he needed it, so I gave it away, really tip the balance in my favor? I don't know, all I know is that in doing a small kindness for someone else, makes me feel good about the human condition in general. Who knows, maybe down the road, he'll do something good for someoneelse and it'll pass on from there, making this little insignificant piece of the world all that much better in the long run.
For me, that is true karma and true forgiveness- being able, in spite of everything that was unjustly done to me in my life, to still find a way to be kind and help another person in their life.
Just another step along my path.
On a side note, just found out this morning that our full time midnight person put in his 2 week notice Thursday night. Meaning we have 2 weeks to find a replacement. I'll be damned if I'm going to work full time midnight, let along 7 days a week midnight, when I wasn't hired for it in the first place. Guess its time to start seriously looking for a new job again. Thank gods Mark has a damn good job that can actually pay most,if not all the bills weekly. I mean, he makes rent with one paycheck, lol. So I could technically quit if I wanted to. But being assistant manager, I won't do that to them. But I also won't work all midnights and not see Mark or have a life either. Putting my foot down this time.