8:01 PM
I truly believe that there are some things that should never be spoken or shared, let alone written and yet, at times, there are things that if you do not write them, get them out of your mind, will drive you insane with the why's and what if's. That's one reason I hate working the midnight shift so much, because my mind ceaselessly wonders and leads me down myriads of twisting trails.
Ben asked me once why I sometimes had a faraway sad cast to my eyes. How can I explain to him that it is for the pain and despair I feel around him, the sense of giving up that lately has become so pervasive in almost every aspect of his life that it is nearly unbearable? I can't because he would not understand. I tried once before, and he, being so bound up in what he was taught, refused to see, refused to understand and claimed it was evil and satanic.. yet he's interested in reiki? and Taoism?(nowI'm confused!). Yet he doesn't see the thrall that Carolyn(his ex girlfriend)has managed to cast over him is wrong and that he is giving in to it. He told me once that I saved his life and now he's afarid to even let me touch him, however briefly. I don't know what kind of hold she has on him, but even after a year, he can't let go, or refuses to. And I can see it killing him as surely as the sun will rise.
And I don't know how to help him anymore, that hurts me more than anything. There's a good soul somewhere, lost, within him. I saw it once and wish he'd realise it himself before he completely gives up. You should never live your life for someone else. Your life is your own, not theirs, they have no right to it.
I just wish I could get through to him again. I wish he'd let me in once again.
The crossroads of time...such a powerful phrase....